Changes

Hello follow readers.  I'm sorry that it has been soooo long since the last time I posted.  Between two jobs and the play I was in, I really haven't had time for anything.  The new format of the blog is for the new leaves of summer.  It brings about many changes.  Along with changes in one's life.  For example, I'm now in a relationship.  Yes readers, I now have a boyfriend.  I honestly never thought it would happen to me, well not so soon.  I really thought it would be a long time before I met someone.  Funny thing is, he is my neighbor!  Honestly I was a little creeped out by him and his friends at first when they moved in.  I allowed myself to be shy and a little bit racist (but every bodies just a little bit racist right?).  You have to understand, he's Moroccan and they speak Arabic, so of course I honestly thought that they were Middle Eastern.  So they were strange and different to me.  Of course that is now one of the many things that I love about him.

My point in telling you all this is the story of how this relationship started for me.  We met one night while him and his friends were having a bar-b-que and they called me over.  We talked that night and then every night after that.  He is a gorgeous, exotic, and sweetest man I have ever met, so I couldn't understand what he could want from me.  I thought he just wanted to sleep with me as that tends to happen with the men I date lately.  They just use me and move on.  I've even seen pictures of some of the girls that he didn't choose to even date for some reason, and they are beautiful.  So I couldn't see why he wanted to be in a relationship (which is more than what he offered those other girls) with me.  I know what your thinking; either it's "it's not all about looks," or "your a beautiful girl".  Forgive me for being down on myself but lets be honest, we are all our own worst critics.  Anyways, I didn't want to let him in.  I refused to believe that it was real and created a wall around my heart so that he couldn't get in.  Me!  The girl who has always believed in love and always rooted for love, was afraid of even trying to let someone love her.  I didn't realize I had let my past allow me to get so jaded.  I didn't even realize it, I thought that maybe I really didn't want to be with this man.  I spent a full 24 hours away from him and everyone else in my life and really thought about it.  I didn't understand it; here was this beautiful man who was so nice to me.  We had know each other for a week and he was already trying to take care of me which no one has ever done save for my parents (but that's their job right?).  The next night after we kissed for the first time, he gave me this necklace.  It's nothing special really just a gold chain, but his sister gave it to him so even though it itself is simple it is really special.  I was REALLY uncomfortable with him giving it to me, but then he looked at me and said "No, this is not cause we are together.  We can break up tomorrow and you would keep this.  This is because you are different" (I'm typing it word for word; English is not his first language).  I was so surprised that I was so guarded and distant from him.  After thinking about how he treats me and how I felt, it hit me.  I wasn't letting him in because I was afraid.  I had allowed my past relationships (past failures and heartbreaks) stop me from allowing myself to fall for him.  Once I realized this the walls just collapsed away and my real feelings flooded in like a typhoon. 

How many times have people passed up the opportunity for something great just because they were scared?  I'm not just talking about relationships, I'm talking about life.  We all get scared of many things in our lives.  We face so many choices through out it.  What it really comes down to is, what will you regret?  Will you regret not; taking that job or internship, meeting that friend or making that friend, going to that college, or given that person a chance to be with you.  I could have just been shy and unfriendly to my neighbors and never met my now boyfriend.  Regardless as to how my relationship ends, I'm never going to regret it because he loves me more than anyone ever has and I love him more than anyone else.  Do you have regrets?  Regrets are hard to live with, but I feel that I have none simply because I learned something from all of my experiences.  So maybe you didn't take that job, that trip, that relationship, but I bet you won't make that mistake again.

The Query of the Engagement Ring

So for someone without any real prospects of getting engaged any time soon, I am utterly fascinated by the power of the engagement ring that most people never consider. I say this in two respects: 1) the sexist symbolism of the engagement ring and 2) the personality of an engagement ring which can make or break a relationship.

I'll start with item one. I feel like I should preface this by saying that I have always been gunning for that big, beautiful diamond. I'm a woman, I like shiny, pretty things, I want my ring!

BUT, with that being said, the nature of the engagement ring is highly sexist. Women wear an engagement ring as a way of saying to the world "I am off the market" before they ever actually enter into the legal and/or spiritual bonds of marriage. Men, however, do not do this. Instead they walk around for whatever amount of time they are engaged appearing no more taken than they were before they ever met their fiance. So why is it that a woman has to wear a "marker" of her taken status but a man doesn't? Why does she have to be inadvertently labeled as someone else's property but a man doesn't?

My solution: men get engagement rings too. You could say that we could abolish the engagement ring all together but I like the idea of a couple expressing their commitment to one another through a subtle yet visible piece of jewelry. I just think that if a man is willing to dedicate himself to wearing a wedding ring with his beloved, he should love her enough to show his commitment in the same way she does while they're engaged.

Item two: how intimidating is the engagement ring? I mean seriously, ladies, if a man gets down on one knee and opens the box to a ring you can't stand, what do you think? I guarantee you you're thinking "how does this man who thinks he knows me well enough to marry me not know me well enough to get me a ring that I like?" And as a man doing the shopping, I have to imagine a similar thought goes through his head. (Of course this assumes you are following the traditional gender roles of a man proposing to a woman). Basically, that little ring packs a whole huge punch of a message, and I can't help but think that's as intimidating as it is remarkable.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, a terrifying but hopefully thought provoking analysis of the all important engagement ring. But I do think in all of this it's important to remember that what matters most is each persons relationship and how each couple chooses to handle their level and expression of commitment. Just remember to be happy.

The Horse or the Cart?

Do our relationships define us, or do we define our relationships?  I'm sure it's different for everybody, but if one is unhappy with their current love life then it's a question that one has to ask.  If your relationships define you, then you need to pick your relationships more carefully.  If you define your relationships, then it is you that you have to change to be happy.  I think it's hard for our relationships not to guide our future choices, especially our first relationship.  I think it is something like the question of, "which came first, the horse or the cart?" or if you prefer "the chicken or the egg?"  You can always rationalize either answer, but can you do the same for your relationships?  You may think, well I chose who I want to date, but have you ever thought as to why you are attracted to that particular person?  If you think, I just don't want to date the same person over and over again, do you still find that type of person attractive?

I am someone who's relationships define her.  If your relationships define you, then you will never allow yourself to get into the same relationship twice.  Ever since my very first boyfriend, I have never been able to date anyone like him.  I can't even date someone who looks like him in any sort of way.  I am instantly turned off by them if they bare the slightest resemblance.  I think back to my past relationships over the last four years and you know how they always say that hind sight is 20/20.  Well looking back I can't find a single one that didn't scream disaster from the start.  That said, I have always been picky from the start.  I've never like to think that I just jump into a relationship and I never like someone from the first meeting.  I believe that love at first sight happens, but I'm not someone who has it.  Maybe some day I will experience it, but I'm not going to sit around waiting for it.  I always have to get to know someone before I would date them which kinda defeats the purpose.  Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong, instead of thinking that I'm cautious, I'm actually jumping in.  I'm not dating, I'm going straight into a relationship.  That is what is wrong with my relationships.  Not to mention that the guys that I jump with really counted to three and watched while I jumped all by myself. That said, I also have to ask myself that even though ever single one of these guys are completely different, is there something about them that caused them to end the same way?     

If you define your relationships, you need to ask yourself why I pick those relationships?  Most likely you need to sit down and figure that out about yourself before you can move on from these relationships that do nothing but hurt. 

It goes without saying that your most important relationship is with yourself.  If you fear that you being too independent keeps you from having a good relationship, then I would have to say that the people you are with are just too weak to deserve you.  Once you figure out what makes you happy, then you can find someone who will share that with you.  Course it has been my experience that finding that person is easier said than done! 

I feel that this is subject is not done...lets see what is said about it and I may continue further.

The Empty World

I feel it hit me.  I don't ask for it and I don't expect it.  There is nothing I can do.  It's like a bad trip from a drug, all I can do is wait it out and hope it passes soon.  It's loneliness and it's like Venom from Spider Man, it latches on to me without my permission and turns me into a different person.  I turn into this needy, weepy person.  The life drains from me and I scrape around like a zombie.  It can be triggered by many different things, all of which are unavoidable.  A friend cancels their plans with me, a couple being cute, seeing an old lover who has moved on to someone new, or a on-radio grief counseling show.  No one (currently in my life) can make it go away, I can't just call up a friend for it just wouldn't do the trick.  I also fear that it would create a co-dependency.  I'm afraid that I already have one co-dependency with relationships. Luckily it doesn't happen that often, but that also causes it to knock me even more off my game for it's unexpected.  I hate that I feel it.  I have a great life; wonderful friends, loving parents, two jobs, school, and many hobbies so many people in this world have so much less than me.  I barely have time for anything else, so why does my life feel so empty at times?  Do I really need anything else?  Many of you may argue, "yes, you need that special someone in your life!"  I'm not saying that's not true, what I'm saying is just because I don't have "him" does everything have to feel so....less?  I think it's stupid and silly that anyone could feel this way and I hate myself for feeling like this.  The only thing I can do about it is let it pass.  So I sit and type this, eating mint chocolate chip ice cream and watch Pretty Woman.  I watch as Richard Gere climbs up the fire escape to kiss Julia Roberts and think "how unrealistic".  I can't help but wonder, why can't it be like that?  The romantic aspect, not the unrealistic part (a hooker ending up looking like Julia Roberts and a rich man falling in love with her).  I can't decide if thinking that romance is dead and that stuff like romance never happens in real life is; smart or cynical?  I'm sure that will be a question that may never be answered.  Plus it's late and I really don't want to think about this any more tonight.  So I switch the T.V. over to Futurama to try and cheer myself up.  Dammit!  It's the one about Fry's dog.  Well so much for that idea.

Floating in a Sea of Taffita and Silk

I have recently noticed a trend in my high school peers, they are all getting married.  It seems that every time I get on face book, I find another old school mate who has tied the knot.  A lot of them either never seemed to date in High School or they dated a lot in High School.  I wonder if I will ever get use to seeing my friends getting married.  It just seems so strange to see my peers, people I've know most of my life and are my age, doing something very grown up.  As if I didn't feel like the only single girl left as it is!  Not to mention it just seems so far fetched that someone my age could find bliss with another person seeing as I am so far from marriage.  There is not a single person in my life that I would consider marrying.  And what about the whole "marrying young" issue?  So many marriages end in divorce, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  But with the odds against marriages as it is, I wonder how many of my friends will have divorced and re-married by the time I finally get married.  When my mother got married (at age 25), many of her old high school friends were surprised to find that it was only her first.  That fact use to shock me as a child, but now I wonder if I will go through the same thing.  All that said, I feel that I should probably clarify something.  Before all you fellow readers freak out and worry, I'm not worried about getting married.  I know (at least I hope) that I will get married someday.  It's when I'm 30 that I'll start to get worried.  Till then, I'm happy with where I am.  I can't help but wonder if I would feel any different if I was in a good relationship?  Would I be ok with idea of getting married so young, cause lets face it 21 1/2 is pretty young to be getting married.  I mean I've always felt that it is an age that it's a possibility.  My conditions for when I'm ready to get married are:

 1. Be at least 21, I feel that you should be able to drink at your own wedding.
 2. Be finished with college.
 3. Have a job of my own.
 4. Have been together for at least two years.
 5. And before we officially tie the knot, have lived together long enough to know that we wouldn't kill each other.

This is not a guide line for others or set in stone, but it's just what I would need to feel that I was making a good choice.  I wonder how many of my now married companions put this much thought into it or if they had this many provisions to know that it was right?  Many would say that you would just know, but how many of them ended up knowing that they needed a divorce?  I guess only time will tell to many of these questions.

Tag: by Josephine

This will be a quick post, I just had a funny conversation with a friend the other day about tagging men. Pretty much, if they are jerks: tag them! Thoughts?

Apparently there's already a rating system a la Yelp out there...

Sorry, It's Been a While!

Yes, I realize that it has been a while since I have contributed to this blog.  I don't even know if anyone besides my other blogger friends reads this!

So I have recently tired to throw myself back out into the dating world.  I should probably explain.  Almost a year ago now I got my heart broken.  It was savagely ripped out and I haven't been quite the same since.  My heart wasn't the first broken and it won't be the last.  It wasn't worse than any other heart break, but if you've had your heart broken then you know it feels like no one has ever felt that bad.  He looked me in the eyes, told me I was special, and that he loved me.....and I fell for it.  Hook, line, and sinker.  Of course it was all a lie.  I guess I just wanted it all to be true too much.

Anyways, back to the present.  I'm now ready to face it all again...or so I thought.  It's not even that I've been out of the loop that long, I just realized what I need from the opposite sex and lets face it, it's hard to get anything from them.  I've had, lets say two adventures, that have been the closest to any kind of relationship in a year.  Which given what they actually were, is pretty sad!  Lets call them One and Two.

One:  Very good looking, smart, and a little (not much) older than me.  I met him through a friend a while ago but at the time that I met him I was still carrying a heart that was in two pieces.  He seemed nice enough and was actually sane (this friend has some strange male friends).  Every time I would see him, we would sit together and talk about everything.  It was nice.  So I developed a crush.  Whenever I got a chance I would go to see him and hang out.  However, he didn't do the same.  I started to feel that my crush was one sided.  I talked to my friend and she assured me that he is really good at hiding who he likes.  This "man" would be great at poker cause I don't see any interest at all.  I really need someone who isn't afraid to show how he feels about me.  This part is the real kicker.  My job allows me to see movies for free, so I take him and some other friends.  After the movie, we are at my place and I was picking on my guitar.  Now grant it, I'm no Jewel.  I can play one song really well.  But I'm working on it.  One looks at me, mid song, and says "I think you should just hire someone to play guitar and you just sing."  I could have hit him, and I never hit.  I could have punched him right in the face and not shed a tear till after the adrenalin stopped and I realized how much my hand hurt from hitting his thick skull!  Needless to say, I'm over my crush.

Two:  This guy I've known practically my whole life.  He is very good looking and very smart.  Unfortunately he knows this.  We went to school together.  He was there for me through many of my dark times.  He use to be my best friend.  What can I say, I fell for him.  Somewhere between High School and College, our relationship changed and we became more than just friends.  Then one night, we kissed.  Well made-out...for the whole night.  Then of course, he got scared and bolted.  I was so hurt, here is this person that knew me.  He had seen me cry and had seen me laugh.  There were no secrets, no acting like someone else to get his attention or to hide who I really am as to not freak him out.  He saw me and liked me for who I was.  And he left me.  I felt for a long time that I wasn't good enough.  I later came to realize that he wasn't good enough for me.  He froze me out so I blocked him out of my life so I didn't have to deal with his coldness.  I kept up with his life through friends.  I heard the good, the bad, and the ugly.  And there wasn't much good.  But I still cared about him, sadly.  He started going to my College this year and I've bumped into him.  Then he started bumping into me.  We started talking again and next thing I know, he's over at my place.  Same couch, same time of night, but different girl.  We talk all night and cuddle as well.  He talks about how he is still attracted to me and how he wants to sweep me off my feet.  I'm a skeptic, well within my rights!  He sleeps on the couch and I go to my bed (I felt that needed clarification.  After all my parents do read this!).  Morning comes, he leaves.  A week goes by and I get no word.  Then me chats me on FaceBook, tells me he noticed my number (that I sent to him via FaceBook) but didn't and couldn't do anything about it that night cause he may have "company".  It's like his only goal is to fuck with my mind.  I really wish I hadn't started up with him again.  He hasn't changed and I have, even though he fails to see it.  I know all this yet I still can't just completely cut him out of my life.  He has all the power.  All I want to do is have the chance to tell him that we can be friends or he needs to be a man and be what I need the man in my life to be.  I don't mind just being friends, but as it stands, he can never give me what I want past friendship.  Right now, he can't even give me what I need from a friendship (He's not even a good friend)!  It's still all about him!  I really wish that he would grow up but I can't and won't wait around for him.

These are what I have to look forward to?  Men who are cowards?  Where are the real men?  I know your out there, or at least I hope you are!  I need someone who can commit for at least five minutes.  I'm not talking about a life time, just long enough for us to figure out that we don't want to or do want to be together.  The men lately won't even do that much.  I know it's not me.  All this shit that I've put up with in my life, I've gotten that much from it all.  Why are men so scared?  I get it, love is scary.  Trust me I know.  I was so scared when I finally felt it.  I was scared that I was going to get my heart broken and I did!  I survived.  I know that it's hard to believe that you men can be as strong as this little girl, but it is possible.  Just be mellow.  Let life happen.  Take your running shoes off for a hot second and relax.  Stay a while.  Worse thing that could happen is that I will smell your sweaty feet.  I'll let you figure out that metaphor.