Yes, I realize that it has been a while since I have contributed to this blog. I don't even know if anyone besides my other blogger friends reads this!
So I have recently tired to throw myself back out into the dating world. I should probably explain. Almost a year ago now I got my heart broken. It was savagely ripped out and I haven't been quite the same since. My heart wasn't the first broken and it won't be the last. It wasn't worse than any other heart break, but if you've had your heart broken then you know it feels like no one has ever felt that bad. He looked me in the eyes, told me I was special, and that he loved me.....and I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker. Of course it was all a lie. I guess I just wanted it all to be true too much.
Anyways, back to the present. I'm now ready to face it all again...or so I thought. It's not even that I've been out of the loop that long, I just realized what I need from the opposite sex and lets face it, it's hard to get anything from them. I've had, lets say two adventures, that have been the closest to any kind of relationship in a year. Which given what they actually were, is pretty sad! Lets call them One and Two.
One: Very good looking, smart, and a little (not much) older than me. I met him through a friend a while ago but at the time that I met him I was still carrying a heart that was in two pieces. He seemed nice enough and was actually sane (this friend has some strange male friends). Every time I would see him, we would sit together and talk about everything. It was nice. So I developed a crush. Whenever I got a chance I would go to see him and hang out. However, he didn't do the same. I started to feel that my crush was one sided. I talked to my friend and she assured me that he is really good at hiding who he likes. This "man" would be great at poker cause I don't see any interest at all. I really need someone who isn't afraid to show how he feels about me. This part is the real kicker. My job allows me to see movies for free, so I take him and some other friends. After the movie, we are at my place and I was picking on my guitar. Now grant it, I'm no Jewel. I can play one song really well. But I'm working on it. One looks at me, mid song, and says "I think you should just hire someone to play guitar and you just sing." I could have hit him, and I never hit. I could have punched him right in the face and not shed a tear till after the adrenalin stopped and I realized how much my hand hurt from hitting his thick skull! Needless to say, I'm over my crush.
Two: This guy I've known practically my whole life. He is very good looking and very smart. Unfortunately he knows this. We went to school together. He was there for me through many of my dark times. He use to be my best friend. What can I say, I fell for him. Somewhere between High School and College, our relationship changed and we became more than just friends. Then one night, we kissed. Well made-out...for the whole night. Then of course, he got scared and bolted. I was so hurt, here is this person that knew me. He had seen me cry and had seen me laugh. There were no secrets, no acting like someone else to get his attention or to hide who I really am as to not freak him out. He saw me and liked me for who I was. And he left me. I felt for a long time that I wasn't good enough. I later came to realize that he wasn't good enough for me. He froze me out so I blocked him out of my life so I didn't have to deal with his coldness. I kept up with his life through friends. I heard the good, the bad, and the ugly. And there wasn't much good. But I still cared about him, sadly. He started going to my College this year and I've bumped into him. Then he started bumping into me. We started talking again and next thing I know, he's over at my place. Same couch, same time of night, but different girl. We talk all night and cuddle as well. He talks about how he is still attracted to me and how he wants to sweep me off my feet. I'm a skeptic, well within my rights! He sleeps on the couch and I go to my bed (I felt that needed clarification. After all my parents do read this!). Morning comes, he leaves. A week goes by and I get no word. Then me chats me on FaceBook, tells me he noticed my number (that I sent to him via FaceBook) but didn't and couldn't do anything about it that night cause he may have "company". It's like his only goal is to fuck with my mind. I really wish I hadn't started up with him again. He hasn't changed and I have, even though he fails to see it. I know all this yet I still can't just completely cut him out of my life. He has all the power. All I want to do is have the chance to tell him that we can be friends or he needs to be a man and be what I need the man in my life to be. I don't mind just being friends, but as it stands, he can never give me what I want past friendship. Right now, he can't even give me what I need from a friendship (He's not even a good friend)! It's still all about him! I really wish that he would grow up but I can't and won't wait around for him.
These are what I have to look forward to? Men who are cowards? Where are the real men? I know your out there, or at least I hope you are! I need someone who can commit for at least five minutes. I'm not talking about a life time, just long enough for us to figure out that we don't want to or do want to be together. The men lately won't even do that much. I know it's not me. All this shit that I've put up with in my life, I've gotten that much from it all. Why are men so scared? I get it, love is scary. Trust me I know. I was so scared when I finally felt it. I was scared that I was going to get my heart broken and I did! I survived. I know that it's hard to believe that you men can be as strong as this little girl, but it is possible. Just be mellow. Let life happen. Take your running shoes off for a hot second and relax. Stay a while. Worse thing that could happen is that I will smell your sweaty feet. I'll let you figure out that metaphor.
No comments:
Post a Comment